Spoilers Don't Matter Theorem - Deemzus' Box Proof

[Kirkwood Chocolate]

I'm creating this thread now to remind myself to write down the most fascinating mathematical proof. I've finally proved beyond any objective falsification, that spoilers CATEGORICALLY cannot alter one's experience of a film. That is to say even if I sat down and explained every single plot point of any film to you before you watch it, it cannot actually alter any of your interpretations of it. The best part is, Kadeem actually helped me to prove it. This will take time I don't have right now, but I will explain thoroughly my Spoilers Don't Matter Theorem using the Deemzus' Box Proof. This is kind of like Schrodinger's Cat, but it has entirely to do with Kadeem's inability to remember the plot of any tv show or movie. I'm excited to make this post, this is something I've known for years but never had an objective proof of. To be continued.

[Kirkwood Chocolate]

I'd like to extend a personal thanks to Kadeem Adrian Bakar. This mathematical proof would not be possible without his genius.

The fact is, spoilers have never mattered. Think back to the oldest spoiler in the book: Jesus dies and then comes back again. If you read the Bible, it doesn't matter if you knew this spoiler through the ubiquity of Christianity or not; the fact is, your enjoyment of The Bible as a literary work will not change. Think of the classic spoilers of yore: Snape Kills Dumbledore, Darth Vader is Luke's Father, the Princess is in another castle. What do these great spoilers through history all have in common? It's very simple: none of them actually affect your enjoyment of the work you're consuming. In fact, the very concept of spoilers may not even be real at all. My first conception of this universal truth came as a 9 year old boy watching Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back for the first time. Years before I had ever watched this film, I had seen countless references to "Vader" being "Luke's father". At this time I had no idea who Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker even were or what Star Wars was. However, despite that, I absolutely knew that Vader was Luke's Father. And yet, no matter how many times I've heard this spoiler from my infancy, it never made me enjoy the film any less.

The simple truth is, a good film is always good no matter how many times you watch it, or what you knew about it before hand. And the converse is always true of a bad film: a bad film is bad no matter what. This doesn't have to be about films, it can be about movies, tv shows, video games, books etc. Now stating that is all fine and dandy, but what about some concrete mathematical proof? Well I happen to have that for you.

Imagine there's a show or movie you want to talk to Kadeem about. However, before you talk to him about it, you have to open Deemzus' Box. Within this box is one of two Kadeems: one Kadeem has seen the show or movie in its entirety, another is from an alternate universe where Kadeem has not seen this show or movie. How can you possibly determine if the Kadeem in Deemzus' Box has seen the show/movie or not? To those who say "Well you just ask Kadeem if he's seen it or not", I have to just scoff and laugh at your absolute ignorance. Clearly, you don't know Kadeem. Whether or not Kadeem has watched something or not constantly remains in a state of quantum flux, much like Schrodinger's Cat. And thus it is impossible for you to know if Kadeem has watched the show or not, because Kadeem himself cannot remember the plots of things. You could actually sit down with Kadeem for an hour, describe various plot points of the show or movie in great detail, point out all the most memorable sequences in the movie or show, and Kadeem will always answer you with the blankest of stares. No matter what you ask him, Kadeem NEVER knows if he's actually watched the show or not.

Much like how you can't determine quantum state without altering the quantum superposition itself, you categorically CANNOT know if Kadeem has seen or watched a show, without sitting down and watching the show with him. If Kadeem has seen the show, during the entire duration of the film he will say, "Oh, I remember this." But if you ask him if he can remember the events that happened immediately afterwards, Kadeem will NEVER know. He MUST actually watch it before he can remember if he's watched it or not. Thus, you have altered the state in which Kadeem was in originally: either a) you show Kadeem the show and he hasn't seen it, and by the end, he has seen it or b) you show Kadeem the show, and with every single scene he lets you know that he actually saw it, despite never being able to actually tell you what happened.

This is the beauty of Kadeem: he is so 100% kinopilled that he cannot actually remember plot details, even if you tell them to him. He can only remember kino itself. I've done this to myself several times with films like Tenet and Nope: purposefully reading all the spoilers of the film, and still being surprised by the film itself when I watched it. Know why? Very simple: I DIDN'T. WATCH. THE MOVIE. How can something as petty as plot spoilers actually influence your enjoyment of a work of kino? How can a verbal explanation ever match a true work of visual art? How can it encapsulate motion pictures, sound engineering, music choices and acting nuances all together? It cannot. "Spoiling" a film is no different from describing a sunset to a person who has never had the ability to see: they still have no idea what a sunset looks like even after you've described it to them. They don't even know what the fuck "orange" is.

The simple truth is, that guy screaming "Snape Kills Dumbledore!" out of a moving vehicle outside of Wal-Mart on Half-Blood Prince release day? He didn't spoil anything. It doesn't matter if you knew Snape kills Dumbledore or not, the actual nuance of Snape choosing to fulfill Dumbledore's wishes and help fully ensnare Voldemort, Snapes motivations fueled by his love of Lily Potter? The final line in the last chapter of Book 7 where Harry tells his son that he was named after two headmasters of Hogwarts, one of whom was a Slytherin and was also the bravest man he ever knew? None of these aspects are ruined through "Snape Kills Dumbledore", and it's impossible to fully explain it without either reading the books or watching the films. It's why Empire Strikes Back is still the best Star Wars movie after 40+ years of people making "Luke, I am your father" jokes. Darth Vader doesn't even say "Luke, I am your father." he says "No, I am your father." The very so called spoiler itself has become bastardized by pop culture into what it always was all along: a big fat nothingburger.

My advice? Always spoil a film for yourself before watching it, so that way you can enjoy it fully and rate it objectively. If a film's enjoyment really continges on a single "spoiler", I daresay it was never a good film at all.