Copypasta

[hellomeow]

First, you must spread a thick layer of peanut butter onto the white part of a slice of bread. You can only spread the peanut butter on the white part, and the white part only. You may only spread peanut butter on one side. Spreading peanut butter on both sides will provide an inferior sandwich. Next, you must spread a thick layer of jelly onto the white part of a slice of bread. You can only spread the jelly on the white part, and the white part only. You may only spread jelly on one side. Spreading jelly on both sides will provide an inferior sandwich. You cannot spread jelly onto the same slice of bread onto which you have spread peanut butter. Also, you cannot spread peanut butter or jelly onto more than one slice of bread, as this will provide an undesired excess of either ingredient. Additionally, only peanut butter and jelly can be spread onto these slices of bread; no other ingredient will suffice, and no substitute can be used in a sandwich that is to be legitimately recognized as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Likewise, only bread may be the substance upon which the peanut butter and jelly are spread, as anything else does not fit the standards of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich; if the peanut butter and jelly are spread onto a culinary medium that isn't bread, the meal at hand simply is not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Once you have accomplished spreading a thin layer of peanut butter onto the white of one side of one slice of bread, and likewise has been accomplished using grape jelly on a separate slice of bread, you must match the slices of bread up to each other, forming a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In this scenario, the peanut butter-covered face of bread must be facing the jelly-covered face of the second slice of bread so that the peanut butter surface touched the surface of the jelly. The surface of the peanut butter is not allowed to touch a jelly-less substance of bread, resulting in the jelly facing outwards, and likewise applies to the jelly. If a substance is found facing on the outside of the sandwich, the product will not be accepted as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The side with peanut butter and the side with jelly on it must match up and stick together to form one solid sandwich. When the eater picks up the sandwich, he or she must hold both pieces of bread at the same time, or else one slice will fall off, and eating only one slice of bread will not be recognized as the same or even similar to eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Next, you must take a bite of the sandwich. This action will consist of moving the sandwich within such a close proximity of your face that a small "bite" of the sandwich will enter your mouth for you to mash up with your teeth. This bite must be a bite that includes both slices of bread, peanut butter and jelly. Make sure that all obstructions are clear from the mouth and esophagus, not including peanut butter, jelly or bread or any combination of said ingredients. If you have followed all previous steps, this goal will be easily accomplished. Not doing so will create an incorrect and inferior dining experience and thus will not be a peanut and butter sandwich that is being eaten. However, if one successfully gets both peanut butter and jelly in one bite that fits in the mouth and does not result in choking, the dining experience is thus far acceptable. For your complete experience with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to be considered complete and unobjectable, you must perform the previously mentioned series of taking bites of the sandwich, chewing them, and swallowing them repeatedly until the entire sandwich has been removed visible existence. These circumstances may only be reached by eating the entire sandwich, and no parts of the sandwich may be thrown away or given to somebody else. This is your sandwich, and your responsibility. For the Dining experience to be completed, the sandwich must be completely digested. In the context of completing the process of consuming a legitimate peanut butter and jelly sandwich, there are no extenuating circumstances. Actions such as vomiting, surgical removal of the sandwich from the body, or placement of the sandwich inside the lungs opposed to the esophagus will not be taken into account, as they do not result in the complete digestion of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The process must come to a close via rectal excrement of feces that have been provided by the digestion of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Once the peanut butter and jelly sandwich-fueled feces have exited the rectum, they must remain free from the rectum to be considered conclusive in the process of physically processing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If the feces re-enters the rectum, the process will be rendered a failure, and must be started again.

Complete with spelling and grammatical errors, compliments of Andre Gordon.

[hellomeow]

MOTHERFUCKING SHIT. I WAS JUST MASTURBATING AND EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT. I WAS IN MY ROOM, I HAD MY HEADPHONES ON, I WAS TOTALLY NAKED SITTING AT MY COMPUTER FAPPING AWAY TO A VIDEO ON REDTUBE. ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE'S THIS REALLY SHARP PAIN IN MY DICK, LIKE IT JUST GOT STABBED WITH A SEWING NEEDLE. I JERKED MY HAND BACK AND IT BUMPED INTO MY COMPUTER TOWER, WHICH SITS ON THE DESK. WELL, I HAD MY STICK OF DEODORANT ON TOP OF THE TOWER, AND THAT BITCH FELL OFF AND LANDED DEODORANT-END-DOWN ON THE HEAD OF MY COCK. HOLY FUCKING SHIT DID THAT HURT, AND ON TOP OF THAT IT HIT SO HARD THAT IT ACTUALLY FORCED SOME DEODORANT INTO MY URETHRA. I'VE NEVER HAD ANYTHING BURN SO BAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I JUMPED OUT OF MY FUCKING CHAIR AND STOOD UP BECAUSE IT HURT SO BAD; THIS CAUSED MY HEADPHONE CABLE TO GET YANKED OUT OF MY SPEAKERS, WHICH CAUSED "OH YEAH BABY COME DEEP IN MY TIGHT TEEN ASSHOLE UH UH UH" TO GET BLARED THROUGH MY FUCKING HOUSE AND ALMOST MAXIMUM VOLUME. NOW MY EYES ARE WATERING FROM THE PAIN OF THE DEODORANT INSIDE MY COCK BUT I MANAGE TO PUNCH ONE OF MY SPEAKERS HARD ENOUGH SO THEY TURN OFF. I LOOKED DOWN AND NOTICED BLOOD DRIPPING OFF OF MY COCK; I GUESS THE LIP OF THE PLASTIC DEODORANT THING BIT INTO MY FORESKIN AS IT CONNECTED WITH MY COCK. THE BLOOD WAS DRIPPING DOWN MY LEG. THIS ALL HAPPENED IN THE SPACE OF MAYBE 6 SECONDS. IT MAY SEEM BAD BUT IT GETS WORSE. JUST AS I'M STANDING THERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, MY BEDROOM DOOR FUCKING OPENS. MY DAD WAS STANDING THERE WITH MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER TO JOHNS HOPKINS. I FROZE AND HE STARED AT ME, NAKED WITH MY BLOODY ERECTION FOR MAYBE 15 SECONDS BEFORE HE NOTICED MY COMPUTER MONITOR AND THE BRUTAL ANAL SEX SCENE GOING ON FULL-SCREEN. HE IMMEDIATELY CLOSED THE DOOR AND LEFT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING. THIS MAY SEEM EMBARRASSING BUT MY DAD IS A SERIOUSLY CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN. THIS HAPPENED ABOUT 15 MINUTES AGO AND HE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING TO ME YET. I'M STILL IN MY ROOM TRYING TO GET THE GOD DAMN FUCKING OLD SPICE OUT OF MY COCK. WHAT SHOULD I DO /b/?

[hellomeow]

Deer Island.

Private getaway to the Skull & Bones Society.

What do they do there?

They raise children for sex and sex alone.

When members of Yale's most secret of secret societies go there as a "getaway," they do not bring their girlfriends. They instead bring small keys [with skull-and-crossbone designs on them, how original] made of various metals [typically gold, sometimes platinum; mixed with stronger substances for strength, of course] taken from the teeth of dead enemies. Mostly fillings, though.

What do these keys unlock?

Locks to the various underground chambers scattered about the island. There are fifteen tombs of this type [one for each member of this year's chosen bonesmen].

The girls are allowed to grow no older than fourteen years old.

They are abused, raped, and taught to like it from birth. They have no nationality, no recognizable country of origin. Typically they're the offspring of gullible [but clean] whores that are brought to Deer Island by clever bonesmen. The whores are killed after the childbirth [and detained on the island during the nine months leading up to it].

At thirteen, the girls are allowed to bear children. Before this age, abortions are routine, one of the island's few year-round residents is an abortionist. He is well paid, and is one of the only non-bonesmen ever allowed to take place in the childsex.

Once the thirteen/fourteen year old girls have given birth, they are taken into what are near-exact replicas of the gas chambers at Auschwitz camp I [only crafted from ornate stonework; there are etchings on the walls of various Skull-and-Bones images, the number 322, etc.]. They're told that this will be the site of a celebration of their new child's birth. A futon in the middle of the room is where the child is fucked for the final time, before being choked until unconscious, and gassed [once the bonesman has left the chamber safely, of course].

For having made mention of ANY of this, I could be killed.

(second post begins here )

The girls are given trust tests at age eight, before fellatio can become part of their sexual repertoire.

The bonesman will lay his potential cockabsorber down on a cold concrete floor in the middle of a well-lit auditorium underground, and force her to lay spread-eagle. He then inserts a straight razor into her vagina, vertically, slowly, being careful so as to minimize any potential damage. One flinch from the girl, and the blade is pulled up through the uterus, and the girl is then disposed of [the bonesmen often HOPE for a twitch from the girl, so they can mutilate her with the razor just for fun]. If the child remains calm, the razor is removed, and she is "rewarded" with the privelege of getting to absorb the cock of one of the most powerful men in the world.

Semen must be swallowed, if fellatio is performed. If the child can't get the bonesman off, he will grab her head, and give a warning thrust, jamming his penis into the back of her throat. She is given a couples seconds to recover, and the quality of her blowjob must either improve, or she will get another thrust, harder this time. If a third thrust is necessary, the bonesman does not let go of her head at all, but rams it into his pelvis, until he ejaculates. The girl is often unable to breathe by the end of this, and so, the razor comes out, and the girl is finished off. This very rarely happens though, the girls are taught the proper respect by the time they reach the age of eight.

That's all I can share safely tonight; I'll try to post more soon. I need to make it look like I'm here doing research.

[hellomeow]

It was another agonizing day on /b/. Newfags, gaiafags, furfags, you name it. Anonymous was tired of it. Moot was tired of it, too. She wanted to stop it. But she couldn't.

There was only one way: Snacks.

W.T. Snacks, ex-girlfriend of said Moot, was the only way to solve the cancer that was killing /b/. They decided to meet eventually.

As soon as poor Snacks entered Moot's humble little adobe, she was pounced upon. Thrown to the couch, she was quickly stripped of her tight, constricting and beautiful schoolgirl outfit.

Now both Snacks and Moot were in their beautiful lingerie. It begun.

Moot climbed over Snacks on top of the couch, a slight purr to her neko lips, as she leaned down to gently plant those lips on Snacks' face. Quickly, the blonde, teenage girl struggled and squealed under the neko's grasp, but it was futile. Moot had the upper hand.

That upper hand quickly lowered itself, one of Moot's soft, milky hands slowly caressing one of Snacks' delicious breasts, the other intertwined tightly in the smooth blonde hair of the girl beneath her. She replied with a quiet gasp, turning into a soft, shivering moan, as the nekogirl began to molest her.

Snacks' back arched in pleasure as she crawled out from under Moot, sitting back against the couch. Moot slid off, onto her knees, in front of the beautiful loli, and then began her work.

She pulled aside Snacks' panties, revealing the tiniest sprinkle of silky blonde pubic hair, and the perfectly symmetrical, tightened folds of Snacks' virgin cunt. Her semi-rough neko tongue tenatively stuck out, a hand on each of the girl's thighs. As the tongue dragged along sweet, damp lips, Snacks let out a whimper and a moan of delight, squirming from Moot's ever-so-soft kisses.

As Snacks' love juices emptied theirselves into Moot's mouth, her tongue dug deeper, her delicious flat chest grinding up against Snacks' leg. Her own wetness was approaching, plus... something a little different, and Snacks' eyes went wide in shock as she realized the truth. Moot had a penis.

The shock quickly subsided into gasps and mewls of love as Moot did her best to pleasure her slit. and eventually Snacks could not resist that pleasure. Her back arched and out rang a loving, passionate moan as she orgasmed, juices finding their way to coat Moot's face and chest.

Moot herself could stand it no more. She stood up and dropped her panties, exposing her slim, yet exotic six inch shaft in front of Snacks, pulsating and throbbing in Anticipation. Snacks could not resist. Her legs spread wide, and her fingers held her sopping wet pussy open.

The neko futa descended upon Snacks. Almost immediately she was at it, her cock slipping inside Snacks' warm, inviting orifice, beginning to pound mercilessly, crushing her virginity. The larger girl yelped in pain, then mewled in delight, wrapping her arms around Moot's loli frame. Moot's tongue found it's way to Snacks' nipple, absorbling on it like a newborn child as one hand groped Snacks' other breast, the other tweaking and playing with Snacks' clit as they mated in passion.

Plowing through each of the blonde girl's orgasms, Moot continued to absorble and kiss her breast, pleasure flooding both girls' senses as final orgasms approached. All the hatred, all the bans and horrors of /b/, to this moment, were now drowned in one last second of ecstacy.....

...and then there was no more. Moot almost screamed out in delight as she came, shooting her neko seed deep into Snacks' womb. She could only twitch and shudder in response as their fluids mixed inside Snacks' tight cunt.

They lay there for several minutes, when suddenly, Moot's mother entered the house. As she gazed upon the form of her son/daughter, shaft eagerly buried within the wet tunnel of Snacks, she became scared. She said, "You're moving with your auntie and your uncle in Bel-Air!"

I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said "FRESH" and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say this cab was rare, but I thought naw forget it, "Yo Holmes, to Bel-Air!"

I pulled up to a house about seven or eight, and yelled to the cabbie, "Yo Holmes, smelled you later!" Looked to my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.

[hellomeow]

FACT: NEWGROUNDS WAS FUNNY WHEN WE WERE ALL 12 LIVING IN THE SUBURBS LISTENING TO LINKIN PARK WATCHING DRAGONBALL Z DRINKING PEPSI WHILE PLAYING HALO CO-OP ON THE EASIEST SETTING DURING WHICH WE CONSUMED DORITOS AND LOOKED AT PAINTBALL GUNS ON EBAY IN INTERNET EXPLORER CONNECTED THROUGH AOL ON A 56K MODEM BEFORE HOPPING INTO OUR BALDING FATHERS' LATEST MIDLIFE-CRISIS-IMPULSE-SPONSORED JAPANESE-BUILT SUV TO HEAD TO THE MALL AND GET MORE SKATEBOARDING SHOES AND THIRD-RATE IRREGULAR LEVIS AND MOUNTAIN BIKE PARTS BEFORE HEADING HOME, VOTING DEMOCRAT AND MASTURBATING TO THE LATEST SEARS CATALOG WHILE HUFFING PAINT IN YOUR GARAGE BEFORE TALKING TO PEDOPHILES ON AIM PRETENDING TO BE WHATEVER CAMWHORE THEY'RE RANTING ABOUT ON MYSPACE WITH A MATRIX QUOTE/ANIME CHARACTER NAME/TRIPLE SIX-ASTERISK-PARENTHESES-SURROUNDED SCREENNAME BEFORE HEADING TO YOUR SUPPOSED "GOOD SCHOOL" IN THE MORNING TO BUY MORE POT TO SMOKE DURING YOUR COUNTER-STRIKE LAN PARTY WITH JIMMY AND THE REST OF HIS FRIENDS TAKING RITALIN AND ADDERALL AND PROZAC EIGHT TIMES A DAY BEFORE TAKING A CASUAL PASS AT LOCAL, STATE OR NATIONAL GOVERNMENTIAL FIGURES, LEGISLATURE, OR STRUCTURE TO APPEAR EDGY AND INTELLIGENT IN FRONT OF YOUR BUDWEISER-SNEAKING, LIMP-WRISTED, NEAR-TO-COLUMBINE SOCIOPATHIC "DEEP" FRIENDS WHO PLAY THE VICTIM WHEN THEY START LOSING ARGUEMENTS SIX DAYS BEFORE THEIR BOTCHED SUICIDE ATTEMPT SIMPLY BECAUSE SCHOOL TRAMP NUMBER TWELVE WOULDN'T GO UNDER THE BLEACHERS WITH THEM TO LET THEM GET TO SECOND BASE BEFORE THEIR THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY.

[hellomeow]

I’d say its been 8 or 9 years since the last time I rammed a stick of butter up my ass while jerking off and fingering my asshole. I did it because it felt really good but that’s not the point of this story. I want to tell you of the events proceeding this fateful masturbation.

I’m sitting there watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and around 15 minutes go by and I feel a sticky wetness on my ass cheeks and ballsack. This is when I realized that the butter I had shoved up my asshole had melted and leaked out onto my couch and it had a very distinct putrid stench to it. It had mixed with my shit to create something far worse than shit. It was probably the worst thing I’ve smelt in all my life. It actually smelt many times worse than the time I had stuck a pickle up my asshole and forgot about until the morning after.

While standing there taking in this wonderfully putrid smell I realize that I cannot be the only one to smell this. So I waledk quickly upstairs with my ass cheeks clenched not wanting to spill a drop of my shit butter. I pull out from my sock drawer a heavy woolen sock and unload the contents of my asshole into it. I thought the smell was bad before. I now had the urge to do a barrel roll out my window to escape the horrid odor. I quickly tied the top of the sock and left my house.

As I walked down the street a brownish-yellow liquid slowly dripped from the bottom of the sock. The neighborhood kids became very curious as to what was going on and as they approached they caught a whiff of the putrid smell emanating from the sock. This is when Joanna, my neighbors 13 year old daughter vomited what looked like a freshly eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich all over the street. I nearly came in my pants at that moment. I had the sickest hard on. In fact the only thing keeping me from raping Joanna while she lay in a pool of her own vomit was my sock full of shit butter. I knew I had something to do and I was damn sure going to do it. I kept walking.

I finally made it to my local grocery store. An epic journey it had been. Every asshole in the vicinity could smell the putrid odor but nobody knew where it came from. I can still hear them in my mind. “What the fuck is that smell.” “This smell is so bad I think I am going to kill myself with a hammer” one man said. I even saw a fellow depraved maniac in the corner of my eye. I could tell because he had the same smile that I did. He was laughing with the same glee. I’m sure he’s raped a severely mentally challenged child in his lifetime. I know I have.

That’s when I saw him. The old nigger who sat in front of shoprite saying hello to every asshole strolling by. I fucking hated this man. I couldn’t tell you why. I just hated him. He could smell my shit butter. I could tell because he was gasping for air. I quickly approached him thinking “this will be the greatest day of my life. Nothing could stop me now.” This is when I felt a sudden burst. I realized later that I had shot a load off in my pants right at that moment.

I was arms length from the nigger now. I clenched the sock tight with both hands and swung it at the niggers face with all my might. I hit him in the cheek with such force that the brownish-liquid had sprayed out all over his face. He immediately threw up. I sat back laughing as he washed out his eyes with bottled water. He asked “why?” and I responded by dumping the rest of the socks contents on his head. Truly, I did it for the lulz.

While everybody was distracted I walked into shoprite and quickly shoved as many apples as I could up my ass. It was 4. I left shoprite with the most satisfaction I have ever felt in my life. I remember thinking “wow, I’m such a great person, I get 4 free apples, and I get to go home and jerk off to CP.”

When I think back on that day, I can always remember how sweet those apples tasted. Nothing sweeter.

[hellomeow]

Some 19-year-old guy came over to my house a few times. He lived across the street, though I can't remember what his (alleged) intentions were in coming over. I couldn't tell what kind of race he was - part-mexican, part-black, some kind of brown - but I remember him being fairly tall with one of those shitty half-assed moustaches those types of guys grow. You know, the kind where it's somewhere between ratty stray hairs and a full, well-groomed mass of hair.

Anyways, the only real memory I have of this guy was my grandpa walking in on him in my room with his jeans down to his ankles and the back of my head blocking the view of his genitals. All I heard was my grandpa's authoritative yet perplexed voice say, "What's going on in here?" The guy was stunned into silence, and I, for whatever reason, cheerily explained to my grandpa that he was teaching me how to zip up my jeans. And somehow he bought it.

That's where I received and gave my first blowjob. I didn't see the guy at my house anymore after that. I saw him on the street a short while later, and I waved and said hello, but he didn't respond. After that, I didn't see him ever again. I found out later that he was a registered child molester. I was four.

Cut to my next memory. I'm in preschool. It's recess, and I go play with a girl I'd befriended. What did we play? Why, house, of course. What girl doesn't want to play house? I could've played with the other kids, but I had other plans.

We sat down in the little play house, and she's blathering on about some pretend nonsense. I mention something about peepees. I ask her if she has one. She says no. I ask her if she's seen one. She says no. I ask her if she wants to. She's interested. I pull down the front of my pants and expose my PENIS. She giggles, saying something like, "that's weird."

"What are you doing?" Some kid must've heard the conversation and now he's interested. I yell at him to go away, that this is private, and he's not allowed in. He gets butthurt and runs off. I think I'm in the clear.

"Can I see yours?" I ask the girl. She responds, "But I don't have one!" She pulls down the front of her pants to show me. Just as that happens, I hear, "What's going on in here?!" Oh shit, it's the fucking teacher. Just my luck, too, that she's a woman. She goes on a tirade and I can't quite slip my way out of this one.

I get kicked out of preschool. My mom denies the whole thing, deeming the incident ridiculous. The girl got to stay in. I saw her a year or two later outside the preschool. We waved. I never saw her again after that. I was five.

Moving forward to kindergarten. I was increasingly having trouble containing my sexual urges. I began popping boners left and right, yet I didn't understand the mechanics of "getting off" at that point, so there was nothing I could do about them, other than reach down my pants and "adjust." That got me a lot of dirty looks. However, I soon found a way around this.

Second grade. The teacher is giving this long, boring lecture, and I doze off, daydreaming about things that got me hard. Sure enough, I got hard. This time, however, I decided to do something about it. I began rubbing my dick against my inner thigh from the outside of my pants, and it felt amazing. I was detached from the world in an overwhelming feeling of ecstasy. The feeling built and built and built until I ejaculated, though nothing came out.

To my surprise, I realized I had been staring at a girl with a fat face the whole time, and she had been looking at me the whole time. She must've wondered why I was staring at her, trying to figure out what I was doing, but she couldn't see under the desk...that is, until she leaned over and saw where my hands were. She made a disgusted face, and I then realized how ugly she was. I don't blame her for that, though; I can only imagine the faces I was making.

This was when I figured out how to cum; I'm sure many of you have funny stories about this momentous event as well. Though it was quite a great feeling, looking at pigface didn't give me much satisfaction. And since I didn't get too far with girls, I decided to go into familiar territory: boys.

Thus, my best friend became "more than friends." We would often slip away to the bathroom together and take turns performing fellatio on each other. One time some kid came in and we pretended like we were peeing, then went right back to it afterwards. That made it more fun and exciting. No one suspected a thing.

I'm actually quite regretful of this, in retrospect. Chances are that this kid is pretty fucked up and is struggling with his sexuality. That's a heavy weight on your shoulders as a kid. I'd like to reach out and apologize to the guy, but I doubt I ever will for fear of what he may do or say to me. It's like, how would you approach the guy whose life you alone fucked up? What would you say to him? And it's not like there could be justice in punishment or something; I didn't know what I was doing to the fullest extent, so there's this sort-of existential paradox of no one place to put the blame and anger and regret. But I guess that's happened to a lot of people under similar circumstances, so there's this feeling of sympathy and coming together that makes it better to deal with somehow. That or tortured solitude on the internet. But I digress.

Those events happened on-and-off from kindergarten to second grade, until I moved. I began to slowly realize the evils that I had done, so I did what any normal American would do: I ate. I ate so much that my doctor would later make a joke about me breaking into the local Krispy Kreme shop and eating all their doughnuts - right to my face. And it wasn't even funny. That made me eat more. So much for reverse psychology. Prick.

I should probably mention that it was at this time that I was introduced to pornography for the first time. I was ten. And it was awesome.

Anyways, now that I was Tubby McChubbems, I had a hard time finding friends; that is, until some neighbors forced their kids to play with me. Thus, I stumbled upon my next victims. Nothing really fancy happened, as I had tried to curb my sexual appetite ever since realizing my evil ways. I eventually gave in and played grab-cock with three various boys, but that's as far as it went. I moved again, and went through the whole process again of re-questioning my values and so forth. I finally came to the conclusion that I wouldn't initiate the acts anymore. But this time, a strange thing happened; instead of me instigating the sexual encounters, they were instigated upon me by two other boys at two different times.

The first guy invited me over to his house and we started looking at porn on his computer. It was one of those shitty free websites where they let you watch a 2 minute video for free once each day, and we figured out how to watch more videos by changing the date in windows (woohoo shitty javascript free porn score). This guy was quite an asshole, the kind of guy I'd imagine the average /b/tard to be, and he abruptly decided we weren't gonna watch porn anymore. Needless to say, I was quite averse to the idea. However, he said he'd put on Basic Instinct, so we watched that instead.

Guess which scene it was? Yup, the mirror-above-the-bed scene. It was just as good as porn to a twelve-year-old. The scene starts and I plead with him to go back to computer porn, and his response was, "Only if I can see if you have a boner by tapping your dick with the remote." "Dude, I already have a boner." I told him, and he said "I just want to make sure." So I said fine. And he did. He gently tapped it at first, and then he slapped it pretty hard with the remote and let out a laugh comparable to that of Scut Farkus' cackle from A Christmas Story (remember the kid with yellow eyes?). With that, we went back to the computer.

That was the end of that. WHAT NO REAL SEX? No, but still, wouldn't you say that's weird? I never even thought about anyone's junk at all unless I was going to do something with it, you know? He was pretty fucking ugly anyways. I looked him up on myspace and he looks like a gas station attendant. His quote was something like, "finally done with high school. thank fucking christ," which I can totally relate to, but coming from him it's like the mantra of basement-dwellers everywhere.

The second guy, on the other hand, had more in store for me.

We were at my house this time, and this guy, out of nowhere, gets a boner and pulls his dick out. It was kind of funny the way he went about it now that I look back on it; all the subtle hints - closing my door with some excuse about parents listening to teenage conversations, laying on my bed trying to look all cool while watching tv, so nonchalantly taking his dick out and looking at me with a raised eyebrow - meticulously planned, I'm sure of it.

Not being the type to disappoint, I took out my dick as well. He wasn't so interested in the idea of giving as he was in taking, which was fine by me since I was trained to be a giver by my original molester. After some warming of the hands, I began rubbing his cock, and he really hammed up his display of appreciation. My grandparents were in the house, so it was quite risqué to be doing any of this. I offered to absorb his dick, but he was opposed to the idea - just experimenting, I guess. I decided it was probably better if we didn't do anything further anyways.

Other than him sporadically jumping on my back when I laid down on the floor and trying to somehow fuck me through my pants (which failed), that was all that happened. That was the first time I saw a curved dick. Little did I know that later mine would curve as well...but in a different direction. Sidecock, anyone? Ah, the glory days of being twelve; when your balls were smooth and your dick didn't curve. You gave your cock cool names like Steve or Jimmy, whereas now... now I call him One-Eyed Pete, mainly because if I put a little captain's hat on him, he'd look like a depressed pirate. "YARRrrr," in the saddest of ways.

That was about the gist of my sexual encounters. Rather than stopping here, I'd like to consider the aftermath of these events. Join me, won't you?

I'm almost old enough to legally drink, yet I'm still technically a virgin. I've never kissed a girl, or a guy for that matter, nor have I penetrated any orifice other than the mouth. I don't consider myself bi nor gay, not only because the balls never touched, but because I really want to fuck some pussy. Women turn me on, and sex with a man seems absolutely revolting, but it does seem somewhat difficult to discount all of those homoerotic experiences I've had. Returning to my original statement at the beginning of the thread, would things be different if I had gotten a bit further with that girl in the playhouse? Perhaps. Would none of this have happened were I not molested? Perhaps. But speculation is a meaningless task. No one knows.

As for the sexual repercussions: conventional porn turns me off. Nothing gets me flaccid like watching some hollowed-out whore writhe around on some guy's semi-chubby. Even the amateur stuff is becoming a bore. Thus, I've turned to alternative pornography. Somewhere along the lines I became slightly interested in, yet at the same time disgusted with bestiality. Every now and then I need to see a dog convulse on some woman for twelve seconds to get one off. And then afterwards I say to myself, "Jesus fucking christ. What the fuck is wrong with me. This is beyond fucked up." I've lost you, haven't I? Let me bring you back, then.

Hentai used to do it for me, but not so much anymore; it is, however, saved by two alarmingly fucked-up taboos (in my opinion): incest and lolis.

For me, I have no sexual interest in lolis because of their physical attributes. Rather, it's the mental empathetic response I have to them experiencing these sexual encounters at such a young age as I did. Incest follows the same pattern, as incest is usually depicted with at least one underage participant, at least in hentai. I've often found that some of these fucked-up ideas "leak out" to other sexual arousals; for instance, I've found myself being aroused by incestuous pornography featuring adults, such as the 1970's Taboo series. I have no urge to commit incest with a family member, but the carried-over taboo principle makes it worth jerkin' to.

Though I've found myself being aroused by related young girls in particular, as many of you have in your responses to certain threads - for instance, younger girls bouncing up and down on your lap and you may or may not try to hide your boner - I've made sure to not do anything to harm the relationship or the child since realizing my ways. I suppose some people live out their lives as deviants, taking pleasure in thinking of what they would do to such children, whereas others treat it as an affliction, seeking refuge on the internet where they can get these thoughts off their chest without persecution.

[hellomeow]

Due to extensive research done by the University of Pittsburgh, diamond has been confirmed as the hardest metal known to man. The research is as follows. Pocket-protected scientists built a wall of iron and crashed a diamond car into it at 400 miles per hour, and the car was unharmed. They then built a wall out of diamond and crashed a car made of iron moving at 400 miles an hour into the wall, and the wall came out fine. They then crashed a diamond car made of 400 miles per hour into a wall, and there were no survivors. They crashed 400 miles per hour into a diamond traveling at iron car. Western New York was powerless for hours. They rammed a wall of metal into a 400 mile per hour made of diamond, and the resulting explosion shifted the earth's orbit 400 million miles away from the sun, saving the earth from a meteor the size of a small Washington suburb that was hurtling towards mid-western Prussia at 400 billion miles per hour. They shot a diamond made of iron at a car moving at 400 walls per hour, and as a result caused two wayward airplanes to lose track of their bearings, and make a fatal crash with two buildings in downtown New York. They spun 400 miles at diamond into iron per wall. The results were inconclusive. Finally, they placed 400 diamonds per hour in front of a car made of wall traveling at miles per iron, and the result proved without a doubt that diamonds were the hardest metal of all time, if not just the hardest metal known to man.

Yay my 6^3 post.

[Hauskaz]

It is common knowledge that Forest's cock is the hardest metal known to man.

[hellomeow]

The ironic thing is that diamond isn't a metal, it is just pressurized carbon ie. non-metal. Unsurprising, one could consider Forest's penis to be pressurized carbon too. I am fairly certain that everyone knows the hardest metal known to man is actually DRAGONFORCE.

Go-go-gadget-copypasta!

It was a typical morning in the Gadget household. Brain was outside doing his business, and Penny was sitting at the table pouring herself a glass of orange juice, and Gadget was making pancakes.

“Did you sleep well Penny?” He asked.

“Yes I did, Uncle Gadget.” She replied, her uncle’s T-shirt fluttering as she sat back down. She didn’t need pajamas yet, her uncle’s shirt covered her body well enough.

“Go go gadget hand!” Said Gadget, holding a plate in one hand and the newspaper in the other. He needed to grab a spatula and thought his Gadget hand would be useful. Like always, the gadget he tried to use does not come out. Out popped the hand, but it was the Gadget Mallet. Like always, he had no control over it, so he stepped back so he wouldn’t hit something, then WHAM! Smacked Penny on the back of the head, knocking her out cold.

Gadget gasped in fright, the mallet pulling itself back inside his hat. He went over to her and lifted her from the chair.

“Penny! Penny! Wake up!” But she was barely breathing. That’s when Gadget noticed, through the loose shirt, her tiny bosom, just starting to bud. He stared at them for a full minute, wondering why he hadn’t noticed before.

His face went flush, he didn’t know what he should do. Should he take her to the hospital? But then they’d probably deem him unfit to take care of her, that he was a danger to her. So he did the next to logical thing, laid her in the bed, hoping she’d wake up soon. There was no blood, so he thought she’d be fine.

An hour later, nothing. Brain was laying at the foot of the bed, whimpering. Gadget came in to check on her. He sat on the side of the bed and shook her, but she didn’t move. She was breathing, but she wasn’t responding to anything. He got more and more worried. But he couldn’t help but remember how he felt when saw her chest. So small, but still so…so what? Innocent? Perfect? ….arousing? Yes, he didn’t like it, but he was aroused by the sight of her.

“All right,” he said, “I’ll look one more time, and this time I wont react that way. It just caught me off guard, that’s all.” So he peeked again. Oh god they were just the same as he remembered them. Her nipples a pale pink, barely distinguishable from the rest of her flesh. He felt it…a rise in his pants. It’s been years since becoming a cyborg freak of nature that he felt something so basely human. Much of his body had been replaced, but some of them weren’t, and this one…was working.

He began to rub her chest, just to touch it. It was so soft, yet so hard. He saw her panties, white as snow. Not once did he ever think of her this way, but now it was as if nothing he could do could prevent him from thinking this way.

Brain started to growl, and this startled Gadget. He grabbed Brain by the collar and drug him outside. He didn’t know what would happen, but the last thing Gadget wanted was a witness.

Gadget came back, seeing Penny still unconscious. He sat back down and unbuttoned the shirt covering his niece’s body. He lifted her up and slipped the shirt off. Oh god she was so clean, so innocent. He just looked at her in awe, wondering how he could have gone this long and hadn’t noticed. The human flesh in his pants was hard. He was very aware of this.

He stopped. So far it wasn’t so bad what he was doing, so if he stopped now, he would be just fine. His hands, however, wouldn’t stop. They slowly took the panties off. He lost his breath when he saw her small slit, barely even there.

He lost it. All his inhibitions went out the window. He tore his clothes clean off. His body was white and slim, with the smallest hint of muscle. His throbbing manhood, his cock, was swollen and throbbing. “My god” he thought “This brings back memories.”

He picked his niece up, her head bobbing back and forth, no muscle reflexes at all. He kissed her tiny breasts. He absorbs on her nipples. He grinds his dick along the crack of her ass. Oh god, he could have came then, but he knew he didn’t want to.

If she hadn’t woken up yet, he figured she wouldn’t for a long time. He stuck one finger in his niece, feeling her inside. “So..so smooth” he thought, moving his finger back and forth. He wanted so badly to be in her, he was so scared she’d wake up at any minute.

He began to kiss her breasts, while putting the tip of his dick inside her. “Oh god!” he thought, feeling her crotch seem to grab hold of him. He pushed deeper inside, up to the balls he was. He began to fuck her. He knew he would never look at her the same, but he didn’t care at this point. All he wanted was pleasure, with all the world saving he’s done he deserved it.

Just then, Penny woke up. “Uh, uh! Uncle Gadget!!!” She yelled. Gadget stopped, speechless. What was he supposed to say? But then he noticed something. She didn’t jump off him. She could have, but she didn’t.

“I..I…uh..” He started to say.

“Uncle, if you wanted me, you should have just said so.” She replied, starting to move up and down herself, moaning a little. Gadget was flabbergasted, he never, ever expected his niece to act this way.

“You’re a little whore Penny” he said, getting back into it.

“Yes Uncle, fuck me!” She said. And he did. He pounded her hard. He laid her on the bed and got on top of her. He fucked her in the missionary position. “Fuck me!” She kept yelling, Gadget getting more and more excited every time. “I’m coming Uncle!” she yelled, moaning.

He lost it. He was about to cum, and as he did, his Gadget Mallet came out again, swinging erraticly. Penny had here eyes closed, so she didn’t see it. As he came, the mallet pulled back, and on his first spurt the mallet smashed down on her face, caving it in, with one eye popped out the socket and dangling by the nerve. “Oh no!” Gadget though, but he couldn’t control it. He spurt again, and this time the mallet hit so hard her brain was visible, some of it on the mallet, and some coming out of her ear. The only thing that still looked like Penny was her pigtails, though bloody and filled with brain matter.

He shuddered a few more time, as the last of his cum dribbled out, the mallet not hitting so hard, but frequently and mostly just bushing the bone and brain and flesh mixture on the bed.

“Oh god oh god oh god oh god” he said, “What am I going to do!?!” He knew that they would soon find out and they would take him to prison, or worse yet, kill him. He didn’t want to do that, so he decided to kill himself. He went into the kitchen and drank some Draino from under the sink. With the metal parts in him, he knew it would be delayed, but his vital organs would be eaten away within 30 minutes.

He went in the room where his niece’s body lay there, dripping with blood and brain pieces. He just stared at her, wondering….will there be an afterlife for him? He noticed that the stump of her neck….he could see her esophagus, staring at him, mocking him. So he decided. He was going to fuck the throat with a hand mixer. He was going to go out with a bang, and he couldn’t think of another way.

As he stuck the beaters in and turned it on, the Chief appeared from the trashcan.

“GOOD LORD! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO GADGET!?” Chief yelled. “GO AWAY CHIEF! I NEED TO FINISH THIS WITH THE APPLIANCE!” “No Gadget, you are the appliance” And then Gadget was a toaster.

[hellomeow]

“Mr. Nick!” Phoenix looked down as he felt a tiny hand tugging on his bright blue suit pants. “Excuse me, Mr. Nick!” It was Pearl Fey. She looked very small behind the tall oak defendant’s stand. Phoenix heard Franziska vonKarma, the prosecutor, babbling something about her perfection, and decided that he could spare his attention. “What is it, Pearls?” He whispered out of the corner of his mouth. The eight-year-old girl stared up at him with her large brown eyes, thin eyebrows arched inquisitively. Her silky brown hair was braided into two circles behind her head that bounced up and down when she was surprised or excited. And to top it off she wore the standard light purple channeler’s robe with a pink sash, only in miniature. She was, in a word, adorable.

“Mr. Nick, I have to go potty, bad!” “I’m sorry, Pearls, but you’ll have to hold it a little longer. The judge doesn’t look ready to call a recess yet.” “Oh…” “Don’t worry, we’ll get you to a bathroom. Just hang in there, okay?” “Okay!” said Pearl, breaking into a grin. Phoenix couldn’t help but smile back. He didn’t usually like kids, but Pearl was so sweet, she could never cause any trouble. “Mr. Wright! I would advise you to pay attention to your own client’s trial!” “Y-yes, your honor!” Phoenix stammered. The judge continued.

“Ms. Von Karma was just about to call the next witness to the stand…” It was Lotta Hart, the nosy photographer who almost always managed to show up in time to witness the crime scene. They began the cross examination. Phoenix listened carefully to the entire testimony, and Pearl waited patiently. He kept reviewing all the evidence, looking frantically for contradictions, but the story seemed airtight. He could tell the judge was getting impatient, and his window of opportunity was closing. This looked like it could be the end…

“Need some help?” A familiar voice came from right next to him, and Phoenix glanced over in astonishment. “Pearls? What…” His heart almost stopped. There stood Mia Fey, his dead mentor. He’d always had something of a crush on her, and now she looked more beautiful than ever before. Now, her hair was brown, and braided up in the back just like Pearl’s. He realized that the young spirit medium must be channeling Mia. “Hmmm…these clothes are a little small though.” Phoenix blushed as he realized just how short the eight-year-old’s skirt was on the fully grown Mia. It barely covered her crotch! And now Mia, who had always had a large bust, was quite literally almost popping out of the miniscule channeling robes. She must have noticed Phoenix staring.

“Get it together, Phoenix! You’ve got a case to win!” He nodded and turned back to the witness stand. Mia continued. “Now, start trying to press the witness for-urk!” She suddenly felt an intense pressure in her abdomen. Wow! That little girl was working on quite a load! “Are you okay, Mia?” “Y-yeah…I’m fine…” she reassured him, although she was beginning to sweat. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold it. “Ms. Hart, isn’t it true you took more than one photo of the crime scene?” “Well, yeah! You reckon I’d let a story this big go by with just one pitcher to show for it?” “Would you mind presenting those additional pictures to the court?” “That will not be necessary.” Said Franziska, smirking across the courtroom at Phoenix.“The prosecution has deemed the additional photograph to be irrelevant.”

Phoenix pointed in his trademark gesture. “I think that’s for the people of this court to decide!” “I’m sorry, Ms. Von Karma, but I must agree with the defense on this – YOW!” Franziska cracked her whip viciously at the old man. “Very well! If you wish to waste this court’s time, I will present the other photo.” “Hmmm… what could this mean…?” Phoenix pored over the newly submitted picture for any discrepancies. “T-there, a contradiction! Think about the evidence you have and compare it to the picture you just got!” counseled Mia in a rather strained tone of voice. At that very moment she was forcing back an intense urge to use the bathroom by any means necessary. I’ve got to focus on the trial…she chided herself. But she could feel her concentration slipping. As her protégé raised an objection, she gripped the defendant’s stand with white knuckles. She shifted nervously in her uncomfortably tight clothing. She couldn’t really blame Phoenix for staring, after all, she was sporting some truly eye popping cleavage.

“Are you really alright, chief? You don’t look so good.” Phoenix asked. He seemed genuinely concerned, as Mia’s face had blanched and she was now sweating noticeably. The air around her was beginning to waver and bend almost imperceptibly. “Don’t worry about me, you need to think of the client!” Ugh...this is the worst I’ve ever had to go in my whole life. I can feel my connection to Pearl waning… Mia quickly began to understand the bottom line: if she didn’t find relief soon, she would go back to the spirit world and leave Phoenix on his own. As the fight between Phoenix and Franziska dragged on, Mia’s eyes widened in desperation. An airy fart squeezed itself out of her, and the very tip of a hard turd emerged from between her cheeks. This was almost too much for her to bear. She needed a toilet, now. Her lips parted as an almost inaudible moan escaped them. She clutched her backside tightly and hopped up and down to distract herself. This caused the auburn circlets of hair at the back of her head to bounce up and down, just as they did when Pearl was excited. She stopped and doubled over as she farted again, louder. The sheer volume of feces inside her astounded Mia. She fought hard to hold it in, but it was a losing battle. The whole room started to narrow to tunnel vision, and the sound of Phoenix and Franziska arguing at the top of their lungs faded to a dull roar. This is it…she thought. It’s now or never.

She relaxed her overburdened sphincter, and a large volume of gas immediately escaped her. “Ohhh…” She ceased to perceive anything else in the room, except the blissful release she was feeling. She gave her body a gentle push to help things along, and just like that she was defecating. Her eyes were closed, and beneath her slightly upturned nose her mouth was formed into an ‘O’ of pure bliss. The enormous turd that had been bothering her slid smoothly out of her rectum and rested against her soft pink panties for a moment, before another push from Mia caused them to bulge out easily with a soft crackle. The poop kept coming and began to pile into a soft mound. Even though everyone in the courtroom was watching Mia awkwardly, all she could feel was the warm, gooey sensation on her behind. If I had known how much pleasure you can get from soiling yourself, I would have done this while I was alive!

When that piece was finished, she could feel another one lining up for exit. This one was wider, so she spread her legs and bent over the stand, revealing even more cleavage. But she couldn’t have cared less. Her brow furrowed and she bit her lower lip out of exertion. Oh, my, this one is huge! What on earth did that little girl eat? She was so lost in concentration that Mia’s bladder involuntarily released, causing a hissing fountain of urine to cascade from between her parted legs. A wide puddle formed underneath her, splashing onto the floor from her crotch. As she strained, Mia released a big fart into Pearl’s already loaded panties. “Nnnnngh!” With all the noise she was making, almost everyone in the courtroom was looking at her. “What’s going on?” “I can’t believe it!” “Mommy, is the lady going poo-poo?” If there was any doubt before, it was now clear that Mia was definitely going poo-poo, as she began to push in earnest on the big lump of excrement inside her. Mia’s anus began to widen further and further, and gradually, her bowel movement began to slide out with a soft, mushy crackling. “Nnnh…nnh…oh!” Her sphincter was stretched almost to its limit. Finally, the widest part of the turd passed through and began to slide easily into her increasingly heavy panties.

“Ahhhhhhh…” Mia sighed in relief as the football shaped BM smushed at last into Pearl’s pink undies, which were adorned with bumblebees and brightly colored flowers. The panties sagged considerably beneath her short skirt, revealing the crack of her bum, which was smeared a chocolaty brown. Mia slowly stood up straight. Every last man, woman and child in the court room was staring at her open mouthed after witnessing her display. Mia barely even noticed. That was the nice thing about being a spirit, she thought. You don’t have to worry so much about the opinions of others. After a few moments of silence, Mia cleared her throat. “If the court is ready, may we continue with the…oh! Ungh…mmmmph…” She closed one of her eyes and grimaced. She pushed on her tummy with a slender hand and finally voided the last of her bowels. A thin log slithered out of her slowly and rested on top of the already enormous pile in her panties. “Hang on…there’s a bit more…” After an audible fart she grunted again, releasing a mushy mass of hot slop that coated her already steaming production. She nodded at the judge. “Your honor…?” “Well, I must say that in all my years I have never seen someone take a case so seriously. I suppose we may continue with the proceedings now. Mr. Wright, if you’re ready?” Phoenix’s face had totally blanched with embarrassment. “M-m-mia! What do you think you’re doing?” “Relax, Phoenix. We’ve got this trial totally under control. Just keep pressing the witness…”

[hellomeow]

Not exactly copypasta, but something a friend of mine said while sharing her wisdom gained in her 40s which struck me as amusing

<Daeley> 1. never ever put a suppository in prior to sex doggy style no matter how constipated you are...it will shoot out at a high velocity and silk the mood

[solocityElectricCyan]

Where did you get most of these from?

[Mr Momentum & the Sidesteppers]

years upon years of browsing 4chan

[Cheesemaster V]

Nice six year old thread revival.